Could School Get Any Worse?

Eighth grade was pure disaster. I knew we had to do something. I had a good friend who felt inspired to bring me a book on ADHD in Teenagers and legal ways to get schools to cope with and help these children. We went to the principal, ready to make changes. However, the school could never get all the teachers together or the teachers were there without a counselor, there were hundreds of excuses. We talked with the school board and they assured us this was possible, but we did have to meet with this entire board of people and we felt they were giving us the runaround. We tried getting to the teachers individually, however, without the proper meetings, they said they couldn’t adjust the requirements or even the consequences of late work, tardiness, amount of work, etc. The vice principal seemed to almost enjoy our frustration. Almost daily, I got a phone call from him that Todd had been tardy or caused a disruption or skipped school. The school had labeled him a 'bad' kid and nothing we could do would change that. The cherry on top was when Todd was called in by the vice principal for a really disruptive event that involved being crude to another person. We would not stand for that, but thus far, that was totally out of character for Todd. Well, sure enough, it wasn’t Todd, but he had already been dragged out of class, been embarrassed and once again felt worthless.

Busy, Busy, Busy

As Todd got older, his daily life threatening occurrences got fewer. Not gone but fewer. We noticed other things. It was harder for him to focus on homework or read anything required for school. His action versus consequence ratio seemed to get worse. We tried to keep him busy. Just like every doctor encouraged and every book we read. He played club soccer, he played baseball (which was hard because he lost focus) but he enjoyed the time, he started skateboarding, snow boarding and anything else he could get him involved in. We were less concerned that he pass all his classes with A’s, but that he was busy and happy.

Home School Dilemma

I went back to thinking that next year, I would home school. I couldn’t stand that everything the books said was true. These children are constantly told they aren’t good enough, not up to par and always in trouble. John encouraged me to give it one more year and then we could decide. We made a request, actually more like a demand, for a teacher and we got him. This teacher was very impressed with Todd because he was an athlete and Todd played for the same soccer club team that the teacher's son played for. He also spent a lot of time outdoors with his class. This was awesome for Todd. The more physical activity Todd had, the happier he was. He also had an reward system, not a punishment system, that motivated Todd. We were so relieved.

Teachers Really Don't Get It

The next few years were difficult at best. We tried to work with the teachers and the principal but to no avail. They told me to medicate him. I was at the school constantly. One problem that seemed to define a lot of the issues of school happened in the fifth grade. The class was assigned to make a map of the United States which involved tracing a huge shape of the US and then cutting out individual states, gluing them on and labeling the state and capitol. Todd worked hard to do this assignment. I was so

impressed with him. Todd put his heart into it and spent hours (which was almost impossible) to complete it. He was so excited the day it was due. A few days later he came home devastated. He had received a C. He didn’t understand why and frankly neither did I. Everything was correct. It wasn't pretty but all the information was there, even if it was messy and rumpled. I was furious. I wanted the teacher to have some idea of how this affected Todd. We set up a meeting and she told us that it wasn’t “A” work. She then proceeded to show us the maps of an “A child”. I begged her to understand that even if it wasn’t neat and perfect, that if she understood how long Todd had worked on it and how excited he had been, that the self esteem for Todd was devastating. Wasn’t there any way to up his grade, because he had done it correctly. She simply didn’t understand.

What a Disappointment

Third grade was a huge disappointment. We handpicked our teachers. We had two teachers that team taught and they had taught all our previous five children. We went in and talked to them up front and said that if they thought Jim, David and Rick had been a little busy and had a hard time focusing then Todd was going to be an even greater challenge. After just a couple of weeks, we were so disappointed when they told us that they didn’t want Todd in their class anymore. I knew these are the things and the comments that make these children lose their self esteem and cause them to believe that they are no good.

First & Second Grade

First grade was more challenging. I had refused up to this point to tell the school about his ADHD. I heard horror stories of how schools would force your child to be on medication or they couldn’t come to school. I didn’t want that label to be with him through school. After some very long talks and a lot time spent in the classroom, the teacher became more sympathetic. We made a deal, though. I could usually tell in the morning if it was going to be a bad day and on those days, Todd just stayed home with me. Once he got to school, if things didn't seem to be going well, she would call and I would bring him home.

Second grade was amazing. We were blessed to have the best teacher in the world. First, she loved Todd and that is half the battle. She had very little difficulty and Todd adored her. I often told people if they could just get to know Todd and if they loved him, none of the other stuff was as important. She used very positive discipline techniques and never once had to call me at home. Todd loved school and I begged her to just keep changing grades right along with Todd.

Starting School

I had dreaded the day that Todd would go to school from the moment he could walk. John and I talked for hours on whether we should home school or not. I didn't want Todd getting negative reactions from teachers who weren't willing to give him a chance, yet I thought it was critical that he learn to respect other adults, not just Mom and Dad. I also knew from dealing with teachers and school administrators with our older children that the public school system is designed for the masses. They have round holes and handle round pegs just fine. However, if your child was a square peg, it could be a frustrating, painful process trying to get them to fit in. I knew that it was going to take very tender teachers and that I would be very involved. I thought kindergarten couldn’t be too hard and it actually wasn’t. The biggest problem for Todd was anytime he sat down and stopped moving, he fell asleep. For some reason, the teachers didn’t seem to mind.

The Bird Story

About this same time, Todd told me this outrageous story of how he climbed over the our back fence and went into the neighbor's house (this was the same house where he showed up naked). He told me all about letting their bird, Rambo, out of the cage and how he had so much fun trying to catch it. Even for Todd I thought this was a little extreme. A few days later, I shared this 'funny story' with the owner of the house. She listened intently and then told me it was no story. She had been working in the basement and all of a sudden Rambo flies by her only to be followed by Todd chasing the bird. Gratefully, she was able to laugh with me about it.

A Day That I Will Never Forget

A day I will never forget was the day I was driving on a road at about fifty miles per hour. Todd, who was 2 1/2 at the time, got out of his car seat (unfortunately, a fairly common occurence). As I was trying to pull over he was at the car door and was trying to open it! I yelled! I am not a yeller, but I yelled! Todd started to cry. He didn't understand why I was yelling. Didn't I love him? I tried to explain how scared I was and that if he climbed out of a moving car, he would die. He looked at me with his big blue eyes and said, "Mommy, I will be happy because I will be with Heavenly Father. You will be sad but it will be okay."

The thought crossed my mind then and many times since that maybe I would have only have this amazing beautiful boy for a short time, but he when he was gone, those words he spoke would offer me little comfort.

The Zoo!

One day a good friend of mine and I decided we would take the kids to the zoo. I loved places like the zoo because Todd could be outside running around and being so excited with each new animal. We had just arrived and were taking care of getting all the kids to the bathroom. When I came out, Todd was standing there with no shoes or shirt and is pants were half way off. We were standing by a duck pond and Todd in all his enthusiasm wanted to swim with the ducks!

I don't know if I say this enough but Todd had such enthusiasm for life and every little thing that he embraced life and wanted to be a part of everything he could. He delighted me with his smile and his tender heart.

Park Days

Shortly after Steven was born, I was trying to nurse him and he wasn't cooperating. I had all the gates up and the doors to the outside were locked. It got very quiet so I got up and Rick and Todd were in the bathroom getting ready to take a bath. Rick loved baths and would often take several baths a day. I thought, I won't be much longer so it should be okay. Once the water turned off, I heard playing and then it got very quiet. Somehow, very quietly, Todd had gotten out of the bath, climbed the gate to the kitchen and took out of a box of margarine then quietly climbed back over the gate and back into the tub. You might ask what do two little boys do with four cubes of margarine in a bathtub? Well, let me tell you. Rick and Todd and the margarine are all in the tub. There was margarine on the walls, all over the bath toys, in their hair, all over their bodies, on the outside of the tub and on the floor. No space was spared. During my hard fought battle becoming the mother I wanted to be, I knew that if I didn't laugh I would cry and probably never stop. It was days like these where it was best to clean up what was critical, pack the kids in the car and head for a park.

Another park day started out once again when I was nursing. Rick and Todd wanted a snack, so they got themselves some popsicles. Then they got some more popsicles and pretty soon my kitchen floor was covered with melting popsicles. I couldn't face it. We packed up and left. I could come back later and tackle the mess.

Lighting Matches!

When Todd was two he had amazing small muscle control. I went into the storage room to find something and found about 20 lit, but burned out matches on the floor. I immediately talked to my children and told them in no uncertain terms that we did not play with matches. No one admitted, but I knew it had to be one of the older children. I double checked that the matches were all put away high and not in sight.

About a week after that the older boys were playing in the fenced backyard with Todd. After just a few minutes Jimmy came running in and told me the doghouse was on fire. Todd had found some more matches and had lit the hay on fire inside the doghouse.

About one more week after that, I was nursing Steven and Todd was playing in the bedroom right next to mine. Things seemed to be going well but then I smelled smoke. I thought I had to be imagining it but as the smell grew stronger I knew I needed to check. I put Steven down and went to investigate. Sure enough, Todd was in the next room with a mattress on fire! He was trying to put it out but wasn't very successful.

These episodes scared me because fire burns quickly. We got rid of any matches we had in the house and knew that we would just have to buy them as we needed them.

I have no doubt that there is a higher power watching out for this little boy and his family.

Todd Could Throw!

Todd could throw. And throw he did; anything he could get his hands on. He could throw hard, far and fast. He especially loved throwing eggs, but he wasn't against throwing knives, books and scissors. He loved CD's because he imagined them as a weapon. We did all in our power to keep things locked up; however, Todd still managed to get to anything he wanted badly enough. Todd managed to get a hold of a pair of scissors and he aimed it straight at Ricky! The scissors actually just barely missed his eye and hit the part between the nose bridge and the eye lid. We were very grateful. The entire family was very silly because if Todd had anything in his hands and started the throwing motion, we all went into protective mode and threw our hands up to cover our faces.

It is Only Money

It would be near impossible to total the cost of things that this little boy destroyed. He didn't destroy to be destructive he was always being creative or being strong! One of the first of these was when he had been outside with his older brothers for a few minutes. He came running in the house and wanted me to come see how strong he was. We went outside and with a big smile he showed me the bricks on the windowsill that were now all broken. He had used a hammer and was just exploring his own strength.

We had just replaced the carpeting in our upstairs and without a great deal of thought, chose a light taupe carpet. Within just a couple weeks, Todd found the red food coloring (which of course was on the very top shelf of the kitchen) and opened it. Then he proceeded to walk down the hall way dripping red food coloring all the way. Trying hard to not be upset, I started cleaning. It was then that Todd climbed onto the kitchen counter and got in the Nesquik chocolate powder and got himself covered himself head to toe and then walked all over the house leaving chocolate footprints everywhere. Again, urging myself to keep call and needing to get back to cleaning up the red dye, I made another mistake and only pushed the quik further onto the counter. Sure enough right after cleaning the carpet and the chocolate footprints I got to clean up the second set of footprints all over the house.

So while we are talking about the carpet I'll add another episode with it right here. Todd was about 2 1/2 and came into tell me that he had made a pretty picture and to come look. This pretty picture was drawn with blue permanent marker and was about five feet in diameter with a face with eyes and a smile right in the middle of the living room carpet!

He was always creative in finding solutions. If he saw a problem (usually a problem only he saw) he came up with a solution. There was a spider crawling on a window and he couldn't reach to get it so he grabbed a baseball bat! He was pretty excited when he killed the spider! The only problem with his solution was now the window was very broken!

Exhausting!

Every day I became more exhausted. No child had more zest for life than this little boy and he lived life to its fullest. We had to know where he was every second of every day. If there was quiet for more than a minute, I knew I need to find Todd immediately. This wasn't something that occurred once a week or even once a day. This was something that happened multiple times an hour! I found myself looking forward to bedtime but as soon as I laid down I dreaded waking up the next morning to have everything start all over again. Ever day I feared would be Todd's last day.

One cold winter day while I was nursing, Todd unlocked all the deadbolts and ran. I got up and immediately and called my friend just to make sure he was there. When she told me no, I was terrified. As I was getting my car keys, the phone rang. A neighbor around the block and behind us said Todd was at their house. He showed up totally naked except his winter coat. Her mother had been staying with her for a few days and answered the door. She told my friend that there was a little boy at the door with no clothes on and only a coat. She knew immediately who he was.

I was always so grateful for friends and neighbors who watched out for him.

Within just a few weeks of Steven being born, I was losing it! Every day was so hard trying to take care of a new baby and keep an eye on Todd. If I was feeding the baby, I would deadbolt all the doors and check around the house to make sure I couldn't see any obvious areas Todd could get hurt. It wasn't long before Todd could unlock any door and any deadbolt. It seemed as though at least once a day I would our 5 year old yell that Todd had escaped. He loved to run and as soon as he got out the door he would run as fast as he could to a neighbor and ring her doorbell frantically hoping to get in her house before I could get him. Luckily, this was a good friend and she was very aware of Todd so she would call me and tell me he was safe.

I also got very good at differentiating between Ricky's 'fun' screams and his 'something is very bad' screams. While I was nursing I heard a scream from downstairs and I knew immediately that Todd was in trouble and I ran. I arrived at a bedroom and the mattresses had been pulled off the bunk bed. I found Todd hanging with his neck between the slats of the top bunk. That was terrifying and I wondered if I keep him alive. Unfortunately, that wouldn't be the last of his hangings. While playing outside on the deck, I looked out and couldn't see Todd. I ran out to find that somehow, Todd had managed to crawl between the outdoor deck stairs and get his neck caught in between the stairs. The scariest hanging of all was when he was playing downstairs and climbing along a shelf that ran around the windows. He decided he was Peter Pan and took of to fly. He managed to get caught on the levelor cord which wrapped around his neck. He had a deep cut on his neck that had started to bleed. I was sick to my stomach. But I went around the house and cut the cords on all our levelors so that could never happen again.

A Day in the Life of Todd

As soon as Todd could walk, he could climb and this meant climbing out of his crib. Only it wasn't so much a 'climbing' as a going out head first. When he was done with a nap or woke in the morning he didn't need anyone to come get him out. He got himself out! I was in a panic because I thought if he hits wrong he breaks his neck. But he was fine.

Before he turned one, I knew he needed to be our last child. He would take everything I had to keep him safe and we had five other children. Then I found out I was pregnant! There was no way. I know how babies get here and I knew we had taken every precaution. I was so worried about being pregnant and having a new baby while still attempting to keep Todd safe. This of course only added to my exhaustion.

When he was 17 months old I walked into the kitchen after using the bathroom and he was standing on the kitchen counter with a butcher knife in his diaper! Somehow this child had climbed to the top of the refrigerator, opened the cabinet, pulled out the knife, got himself down and climbed back up to the other counter all while holding a butcher knife. I didn't want to yell so he would do something crazy, so I started to move towards him but not soon enough. He jumped off the cabinet pulled the knife out and yelled, "I am Peter Pan!" He made it down without obvious injury but I grabbed him took the knife and took his diaper off, sure to see some definite bleeding and damage. But no, he was fine!

The Beginning

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) seems to be a hot topic these days. Those who don't understand think it is just an excuse to medicate our children because their parents can't handle them. However, for those of us who have a child who is afflicted with ADHD it is a serious issue and we are constantly looking for answers that will provide our child with a calm and safe life.

I have heard it said of ADHD children that their mentality is "Ready. Fire. Aim" Thought and action are simultaneous even though the consequences could be devastating.  From our experience, this was true and didn't seem to change as the years went by.

We had been married for ten years and had five children, two girls and three boys, when I became pregnant with our sixth child. This child was another boy whom we named Todd. All of our children were busy and active and that was the way we wanted it. Todd was a welcome addition to the family and with six children, we felt prepared as parents to deal with just about anything as we thought we had seen it all by this time. We were wrong.

It didn't take long before we knew Todd was different somehow. He didn't sleep like our other children and he was always in motion. Children are always inquisitive and reaching for things but Todd took this to a new level. As early as two months, we discovered if we held his hands to prevent him from grabbing something, he simply used his feet to get it. Do you know how hard it is to change a diaper while trying to hold the baby's arms and legs?

Todd was walking by eight months and by the time he was one year old, Todd could do just about anything he put his mind to. He could climb up anything and nothing I did provided any obstacle at all. I put up a kitchen gate so that he wouldn't escape. He would pick and choose when he would just climb over the gate or when he would kick it down. He kicked it down so fiercely once that it took off the sheet rock and the floor boards. Then were those times he would just climb on top of the gate and sit on it and yell 'elp, elp, elp'.